Sunday, November 14, 2004

The earth skipped a beat today, and that beat was about as funky as all hell.
Somewhere in Brooklyn, circa 1969, Russel Tyrone James dropped straight from the sky into welfare. Fortunately, welfare managed to avoid being robbed during the exchange. Russel grew up in the Fort Green neighborhood with his cousins, Robert Diggs and Gary Grice. Other than being some nasty street hoodlums, they all shared something. They loved kung-fu and rap...which I remind you clash like lesbians and dick. As all black men inevitably do, these youngsters changed their names. You now know them as "The RZA" (or: "I couldn't afford the other vowel"...WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING VOWEL RZA!), "The Genius", and "Old Dirty Bastard". These young men started something amazing that would carry on for years in the future. This mixture of hip-hop and martial arts was unheard of. No one could stand against their wave of innovation. To this day black youths can be seen wearing oversized silk print t-shirts and watching Dragon Ball Z. This is no coincidence.
"I'll tell you right right right in your motherfucking face motherfucker, you know when you know motherfuckin well we don't play that shit...or I don't play that shit. That's just Wu Tang, you know? I'm the nigga that give it to you raw." - ODB
We all know the Wu Tang story (unless you grew up on the other side of the Mason Dixon. Chances are YOU don't even know the George Washington Carver story you racist bastard.), but few people know the details of ODB's wild life. I'll fast forward to the good shit. In November of 1997 ODB was arrested for not paying $35,000 in child support. Here's the thing. That was one year's missed support. Let's do some math...in 1997 ODB would have been 28. At 28 years old Mr. Jones had 13 fucking kids. That right there is why Brooklyn is so fucked up. I think this also explains why it seems like every black person I meet is the extended family of every other black person I meet. "Yo, this is my cousin." I'm a racist bastard, and my seat in hell is reserved. Me and Matt Damon, and the dad from Family Ties. All burning together.
In 1998 ODB pleaded guilty to charges of assault on his wife Iceline Jones (they had 3 kids together). A month later a warrant was issued for his arrest, and he was shot by two men during a robbery. The bullet in the back put him in ER, but after 7 hours at the hospital he simply walked out. A week later he was arrested in Virginia Beach for walking out of a shoe store with a pair of $50 sneakers on his feet. After missing several court orders for his shoplifting a warrant was issued for his arrest. Then in September he was picked up for making "terrorist threats" outside of a party that Des'ree was hosting. He told the security guards he was going to fucking shoot them. Actually, I imagine it was something a lot less coherent since he was thrown out of the party for being drunk as hell. Regardless, it is illegal in California to even say you're going to shoot a faggot, let alone let one mow your grass...so ODB was arrested. A few months later ODB was charge with more terrorism after he told an ex-girlfriend he was going to kill her. "Im'ma cut yo' fivin' ass!" or something like that. He denied everything, but it should be duly noted that ODB was a terrorist. Shortly after all this terrorism ODB crossed the line. After showing up in New York after a temporary hiatus ODB was arrested for, get this, being pulled over and then getting out of his vehicle and opening fire on the police. Luckily, there was no corroberating evidence whatsoever. No cases. No gunpowder residue. Nothing but white supremecy. After the case got all the way to a Grand Jury it was thrown out of court. Subsequently, ODB was pulled over a dozen times in a short span by NYPD blue. This, like all other instances of racial profiling to date, lead to the hiring of Robert Shapiro.
I need to sum this up into a few short sentences...for pity's sake. Over the next couple of years ODB was picked up on 3 drug charges, the final one involving 20 vials of crack. After several attempts at rehab (all failed because he would drink and "carouse" at the rehab center) ODB was remanded to the legal system for sentencing. The prosecution was originally interested in going easy on ol' Russel, but after he hit on her (calling her a "sperm donor") they hammered his black ass. 4 years. 4 years in the California State Penitentiary. Not exactly Berkley. ODB got his degree in getting fucked up though, suffering a broken leg after an altercation with another inmate. Apparently he wouldn't sing "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" while another inmate stole his ass virginity. In July of 2001 ODB was placed on suicide watch. Big fucking deal.
What does all of this amount too? Old Dirty Bastard is dead. Dirt McGirt has suffered a heartattack the day before his 36th birthday. Big Baby Jesus didn't die of a heartattack though. He died from being the hardest nigga ever. This guy was living in a box drinking Cristal. That is fucking sick. He did however join the ranks of young men to pound one out on Mariah Carey's racially unspecific ass. Yes, Joe Bannanas fucked Mariah Carey. Osirus. In fact, I would contribute that to the downfall of her career....that and the fact that any black man with an album was in there (I'm going to hell). Oh well...
Rather than focus on his death, let's focus on his life. ODB was the face on the fear of every white man that drove a Saab. He was the profile on the wall of every police station. He ran onto the stage during Shawn Colvin's "Best Song of the Year" acceptance speach, stole the mic, and proceeded to tell everyone what we all know: "Wu Tang is for the babies"..."Puffy is good...but Wu Tang is better".
It is without further ado that I award Russel Tyrone Jones the "Mad Niggerish" award. He left 13 kids fatherless, dozens of women broken hearted (and broken mouthed), and hundreds of pairs of sneakers un-stolen. He also managed to put out an album that went gold, and apply for welfare in the same year. Genius.
"...enough to make you break ya, shake ya ass 3 times a day. Rhymes good as the Tastycake mix."
That's right Russel, those rhymes really are as good as Tastycake mix. May Otis Redding bless your soul you Mad Niggerish motherfucker.
Give me my money.
Sign it right now.

ODB boned Mariah that's fucking awesome. He injected her with the niggerish.
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