Saturday, November 20, 2004

People's Poll

I've always wondered how black Burt is and I've personally struggled to figure it out. So I turn it over to you the people to decide this one. Vote now on the Sanchez Report Poll.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The People Have Spoken

All week long people have been waiting for the results of my pole and they are now in. After counting all the absentee ballots and provisional ballots the people have spoken and they say Downing is Gay As Fuck.

Peoples Pole : Is Downing Gay Results

71% of the vote said he was Gay As Fuck
14% of the vote said he was a member of the YMCA
0% said Yes He's Flaming
7% said Yes
7% said No-(Downing's vote which doesn't count)

A total of 92% said he was gay compared to a total of 7% who said he was not gay. Which was probably Downing's vote. So then 100% of all voters think Downing is gay to some degree and 71% think Downing is as gay as you can get. Downing my friend you are gay. It is now safe to come out of your sanctuary. Fly like a bird. Stay away from our asses.

I'm Blushing

So the time has finally come. We have hit 2000. I want to bring it to everybody's attention that the SR has been in existence for almost a year and our hit counter for about four months. So I would go out on a limb here and say that if we would have put the hit counter on earlier we would probably be hitting 10,000 right now. But fuck it 2000 it is. To all my new readers and old readers it has been a pleasure providing you with good quality reading material. You showed up to work and checked the SR while you were trying to hide from your boss. I respect that. The SR has spawned off many other blogs and I want you my readers to give them a shot. The SR was a product of my addiction to the Drudge Report. I wanted to create a platform where I could pretty much say what ever I wanted about whoever I wanted and get away with it. If your wondering if I have ever offend anybody with this site probably not. People are to dumb to realize what I write on here is really what I think and how I feel, and I feel comfortable saying that about my contributors as well. This is our avenue to express ourselves and we will keep doing it. I will continue to serve up the best stories and whatever else for you guys. I want to thank Darly Neill, Al Fritz, and Josh Ellison for helping me make the SR the best I could. You might be wondering why Josh Ellison. Well he has been the target of my blog on various occasions and he takes it like a champ. I really need to put a picture of this on guy on my site so you can all see what he looks like. Gay as shit.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

The earth skipped a beat today, and that beat was about as funky as all hell.
Somewhere in Brooklyn, circa 1969, Russel Tyrone James dropped straight from the sky into welfare. Fortunately, welfare managed to avoid being robbed during the exchange. Russel grew up in the Fort Green neighborhood with his cousins, Robert Diggs and Gary Grice. Other than being some nasty street hoodlums, they all shared something. They loved kung-fu and rap...which I remind you clash like lesbians and dick. As all black men inevitably do, these youngsters changed their names. You now know them as "The RZA" (or: "I couldn't afford the other vowel"...WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING VOWEL RZA!), "The Genius", and "Old Dirty Bastard". These young men started something amazing that would carry on for years in the future. This mixture of hip-hop and martial arts was unheard of. No one could stand against their wave of innovation. To this day black youths can be seen wearing oversized silk print t-shirts and watching Dragon Ball Z. This is no coincidence.
"I'll tell you right right right in your motherfucking face motherfucker, you know when you know motherfuckin well we don't play that shit...or I don't play that shit. That's just Wu Tang, you know? I'm the nigga that give it to you raw." - ODB
We all know the Wu Tang story (unless you grew up on the other side of the Mason Dixon. Chances are YOU don't even know the George Washington Carver story you racist bastard.), but few people know the details of ODB's wild life. I'll fast forward to the good shit. In November of 1997 ODB was arrested for not paying $35,000 in child support. Here's the thing. That was one year's missed support. Let's do some math...in 1997 ODB would have been 28. At 28 years old Mr. Jones had 13 fucking kids. That right there is why Brooklyn is so fucked up. I think this also explains why it seems like every black person I meet is the extended family of every other black person I meet. "Yo, this is my cousin." I'm a racist bastard, and my seat in hell is reserved. Me and Matt Damon, and the dad from Family Ties. All burning together.
In 1998 ODB pleaded guilty to charges of assault on his wife Iceline Jones (they had 3 kids together). A month later a warrant was issued for his arrest, and he was shot by two men during a robbery. The bullet in the back put him in ER, but after 7 hours at the hospital he simply walked out. A week later he was arrested in Virginia Beach for walking out of a shoe store with a pair of $50 sneakers on his feet. After missing several court orders for his shoplifting a warrant was issued for his arrest. Then in September he was picked up for making "terrorist threats" outside of a party that Des'ree was hosting. He told the security guards he was going to fucking shoot them. Actually, I imagine it was something a lot less coherent since he was thrown out of the party for being drunk as hell. Regardless, it is illegal in California to even say you're going to shoot a faggot, let alone let one mow your grass...so ODB was arrested. A few months later ODB was charge with more terrorism after he told an ex-girlfriend he was going to kill her. "Im'ma cut yo' fivin' ass!" or something like that. He denied everything, but it should be duly noted that ODB was a terrorist. Shortly after all this terrorism ODB crossed the line. After showing up in New York after a temporary hiatus ODB was arrested for, get this, being pulled over and then getting out of his vehicle and opening fire on the police. Luckily, there was no corroberating evidence whatsoever. No cases. No gunpowder residue. Nothing but white supremecy. After the case got all the way to a Grand Jury it was thrown out of court. Subsequently, ODB was pulled over a dozen times in a short span by NYPD blue. This, like all other instances of racial profiling to date, lead to the hiring of Robert Shapiro.
I need to sum this up into a few short sentences...for pity's sake. Over the next couple of years ODB was picked up on 3 drug charges, the final one involving 20 vials of crack. After several attempts at rehab (all failed because he would drink and "carouse" at the rehab center) ODB was remanded to the legal system for sentencing. The prosecution was originally interested in going easy on ol' Russel, but after he hit on her (calling her a "sperm donor") they hammered his black ass. 4 years. 4 years in the California State Penitentiary. Not exactly Berkley. ODB got his degree in getting fucked up though, suffering a broken leg after an altercation with another inmate. Apparently he wouldn't sing "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" while another inmate stole his ass virginity. In July of 2001 ODB was placed on suicide watch. Big fucking deal.
What does all of this amount too? Old Dirty Bastard is dead. Dirt McGirt has suffered a heartattack the day before his 36th birthday. Big Baby Jesus didn't die of a heartattack though. He died from being the hardest nigga ever. This guy was living in a box drinking Cristal. That is fucking sick. He did however join the ranks of young men to pound one out on Mariah Carey's racially unspecific ass. Yes, Joe Bannanas fucked Mariah Carey. Osirus. In fact, I would contribute that to the downfall of her career....that and the fact that any black man with an album was in there (I'm going to hell). Oh well...
Rather than focus on his death, let's focus on his life. ODB was the face on the fear of every white man that drove a Saab. He was the profile on the wall of every police station. He ran onto the stage during Shawn Colvin's "Best Song of the Year" acceptance speach, stole the mic, and proceeded to tell everyone what we all know: "Wu Tang is for the babies"..."Puffy is good...but Wu Tang is better".
It is without further ado that I award Russel Tyrone Jones the "Mad Niggerish" award. He left 13 kids fatherless, dozens of women broken hearted (and broken mouthed), and hundreds of pairs of sneakers un-stolen. He also managed to put out an album that went gold, and apply for welfare in the same year. Genius.
"...enough to make you break ya, shake ya ass 3 times a day. Rhymes good as the Tastycake mix."
That's right Russel, those rhymes really are as good as Tastycake mix. May Otis Redding bless your soul you Mad Niggerish motherfucker.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

It Just Gets Better and Better

Wow I can't believe this week. Arafat dies, the Greyhounds win their first playoff game 41-0, and Scott Peterson is found guilty. Its been a great week. I also forgot the addition of our super blog. So far we have had 100 hits in 3 days not bad at all. Soon the SR will reach 2000 hits and I can't wait to see it. SR all started out as a avenue for us to vent on whoever we wanted to and get away with it. People never took anything we said seriously and they still don't. It's the best of both worlds. Sorry guys I got to go I just stumbled over a fucking jackpot......

That girl is so fine. No. You just don't understand do you? You just don't comprehend the feelings I have when I see her. The way her thick flesh collects on her sides, hanging there in disarray. I could never expect you to see how beautiful she is to me. The way her eyes look underneath those 1/4 lb. lids. So what if she's not aerodynamic! She may not fly, or soar through the sky, but she is boyant. She floats in my heart. I'm in love with her....all of her. Sure, it might seem a little weird to some people that she eats during sex. Not everyone can handle that, but its not a big deal to me. It shows how close we are. The bond we share. Besides, I like the smell of fried chicken.
I may be in love with a fat girl, but at least I have someone. No one can take that away from me. Not that they would want to...

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Was This Guy Even Human

Well he's finally gone one more to go. Castro your next. By looks of things he's not far away especially after that slide he took to home plate. Did anybody actually see that it was hilarious. Arafat survived so many assassination attempts he can't be human. If you look at him he kind of looks like a cross between Yoda and a gremlin. I couldn't follow that crazy looking mother fucker. I smell a sequel to Weekend At Bernies. Peace out.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Happy Birthday Marines

So its been a while since my last post.

I first want to say David Kelly from Harlingen is not a snobby white man.

So what have I been up to since my last post. Well Bush won the election and liberals all over the country started melting. Which gave way to Operation Phantom Furry which we are currently in. I would like to mention to all my readers out there that there is no need for Intel out here. Foxnews and CNN got that part down pretty good. We sit here watching retired generals tell us how things are going to pan out and I'll be damned they are pretty fucking close. One thing is for sure those live shots by reporters from Iraq are nowhere near live. I think they might have some kind of stage set by now in their studios. Not much else is going on except for the fact that Billy likes really big fat chicks. He's a repeat offender so the Wingman deffense won't work here. I also want to announce the creation of a new site which will be a collaboration of SR , FYC , and JER (Sanchez Report , Fuck Your Couch , and Josh Ellison Rocks)The name of the site is www.lifeiniraq.blogspot.com It promises to be a really good site.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Waiting In Anticipation

Well what a week. As you might have figured out by now I got back from my little trip to Al Asad. Vote for Bush. Not a bad trip at all besides the fact that I was driving the death mobile. So what's new this week. Not much except the usual bullshit that goes on around here. Well I forgot about the Battle of the Arroyo. For all of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about let me explain. Vote for Bush. My home town high school football team "The Greyhounds" and the next door high class town of Harlingen "The Cardinal's" meet every year for a game we call The Battle of the Arroyo. The two cities used to be separated by a river called the Arroyo hence the name. Were're going to have to use our imagination here. Picture the book "The Outsiders". Where you had the Greasers and the Socials "Socs". San Benito would be the Greasers. The town that got left behind in just about every aspect. Harlingen would obviously be the Socials. The town that was home to snobby white people, the mall, and stole everything from the greasers. Just envision it. But every year the two teams meet on a level playing ground. Vote for Bush. Where it doesn't matter if you have 5 more McDonald's than the other city. It was all football.Winner takes all. Well my friends the last team that beat these son's of bitches was the class of 2000. That's right my fucking class. Alright lets get back to my story here. Well the Greasers whooped some ass last Friday. They won by the score of 35 to 32. I wish I could've been there to stick it to the man. Damn Socials. They think they own everything. While I'm on a roll here I would like to throw a shout out to my fans in Harlingen down at the USDA office. Keep tearing it up. Alright well right now I'm here pulling an all nighter waiting for the polls to close on this god damn election. It's going to be a rough night but I'm up to it. If you don't see any posts from me in a few days that's because Kerry won and I'll be contemplating suicide. Then my automatted post will go into affect. Josh you know what to do. Alright lets sit tight and wait this one out my friends.

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