Friday, January 30, 2004

I Fucking RULE!
I just want everyone to know that just because I'm the new guy, doesn't mean I'm not in charge. In fact, I fucking run this show...I fucking RULE! Just because I'm a big dummy doesn't mean that I can't be in charge of something right? You bet your ass I'm right! I'm always fucking right. You wanna know why I'm always fucking right? Do ya? It's because I FUCKING RULE! So I'm gonna go and get my self-serving, Mountain Dew drinking, chain smoking ass a new motorcycle or something. Fuck paying bills. I can always tell the bank my mom died or something...and you know what? They'll believe me! You know why? Because I FUCKING RULE!
Fresh Meat
There has been a jaw-dropping increase in hits to our beloved Sanchez Report as of late. With this increased flow of love, there is a greater burden placed on us, the writers, to provide you with a steady flow of news. After much debate we have reached the conclusion that we would have to look into hiring a new writer. There really weren't many applicants to this position, mostly because the pay is...non-existent, but we managed to talk one dumb fucker into joining us. He's not very smart, or funny...but he IS a giant bozo. While this might not seem like a good choice, we are confident that he will provide all of our readers with news...mixed with a special kind of shameless idiocy. So keep your eye out for this jackass, and feel free to write us to let us know how you feel about this tool.
My Boss Fucking Blows
Well Ladies and Gents, there would appear to be some serious angst floating around lately. We had so may great applicants for the worst boss of the week (WBW) that I thought I would post a few more of the runners up. These people really fucking hate their lives...

Kyle - Westminster, PA
My boss is totally going to win the worst boss of the week. This fat fuck has been reprimanded at every fucking job he's ever had. He's been overweight his entire career. This cock even manages to convince everyone that he isn't anything more than a chubby prick trying to salvage some kind of reputation from the ashes of his failure. Motherfucker tries to correct me one more time, I'm gonna skull fuck that porker.

Anne - Jersey City, NJ
Alright, listen to this. My boss is in charge of so many people, but he's a totally incompetent loser. This really important message came in to him, and before forwarding it he decided to change a couple of key pieces of information. Namely, he falsified government documents in order to screw over another unit. What a waste of space. Oh, he's a bandwagon sports fan too...what a loser.

Tyrone - Brooklyn, NY
Aww shit son, check this fuckin' shit out. This dawg ain't my boss no more, but the slimy fuck used to be. He got caught fucking some poor bastard's daughter and got demoted. Now, I ain't no slouch. I am all about gettin' a piece of sweet pussy, but the bitch was fucking 15! 15! This dude is 25 and laid his shit down on some girl while she's still readin' "Nancy Drew" an' shit. Now her dad is so screwed up from being in the military so long, he decides to go ahead and let the fucker's command handle this piece of human garbage. So they smack his wrist, and send him on his way. Up in the clink, that motherfucker would have been gettin' ass slammed by some big dude every fuckin' night. Nope, he's in charge of shit still! Man, I'm so fucking glad I'm about to be out this bitch. Fucking 15! That ain't even old enough to drive and he's ridin' her ass home from school. Incompetent fucks! Ya'll some bitches.

Thursday, January 29, 2004


Andy - St. Louis, MO
My boss favors pedaphiles to fuck up jobs that any competent person would excel at.

Katie - Phoenix, AZ
When we go on business trips, my boss finds the worst hotel in the worst part of town and then books us there. Plus he never books enough rooms. Then he goes out with every gay guy in my company, gets fucked up and let them sleep in (with each other.)

Wesley - Cincinnati, OH
My boss lets convicted criminals posses the keys to other peoples living quarters.

Merryl, St. Petersburg, FL
My boss threatens to fire people, then he sends them to hostile nations to defend the lives of others. Upon return to the states, those people are still trying to be fired.

Vince - Minneapolis, MN
My boss was/is under investigation for murder but has never said he didn't do it.
Biggest Prick Boss of the Week Contest

Tonight I am starting a new column. Someone everyone can relate to. Have you ever worked for a boss that was a total fucking looser. Well judging by the results of SR Instant poll most of you have. Now the challenge here will be to decide who works for the worst boss. Every week we will pick the worst boss from your emails. Which will lead up to the worst boss of the year and so on. Here's this weeks.

My Boss is a Deceptive Shit-talking Prick

CHICAGO—Brian Grant, 24
Social Worker

I can’t fucking stand it when my boss is more fucked than I am, they go on this monster power trip to fuck up everything that was working perfectly. Hey, let’s re-arrange the schedule (for no reason at all). Hey, let’s also field day people (he has to try and show that he has some kind of balls, even though upon snitching out my friend McDaniel, he was called a ball-less prick). Then let’s tell lies to show how much of a winner I am, and how far I’ve progressed since bootcamp. After all of that garbage let’s make a bunch of dumbshit statements to really show how unqualified I am for the MOS (let the truth be known that he doesn’t no dick).

This guy is a perfect example of that one fat kid that everyone knew when they were young, who got his ass beat by the entire block. Well I’d like to slap the shit out of him (especially when he walks around with a toothpick in his mouth), and give him a little reminder.

Why in the hell was this serial fuck-up promoted to be my boss? Was the monitor sniffing glue, huffing gas, sucking whip-its, smoking weed, drinking paint thinner, and/or lighting his own farts when this winner was promoted??? My boss is a shit-talking, anal, closet flamer who really wants my foot in his ass.

Gay Like a Fox
In a shocking turn of events General Dynamics' own Jason Deshane is believed to be the cause of the recent streak of innapropriate e-mails. When questioned in regards to these accusations, Jason replied "I like mens and guns. Can you fault me for that?" How this obsession for "mens and guns" led to the shameless e-mails asking, "Would you like a bigger penis?" is a question that cannot easily be answered. I guess there truly are consequences for browsing www.hotmale.com. Going there would be unprofessional, homosexual, and probably the exact reason we have such e-mails invading our "virgin" servers. God bless that limping faggot, wherever he may be. Amen.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


Once upon a time, there was a quaint little community known as Gainesville, Georgia. It was filled with lots and lots of poultry farms, and prided itself on being "the chicken capitol of America!" Some major poultry processing plants operate out of Gainesville, and employ lots of good, honest, hard-working bubbas who pluck and clean and prepare those chickens for our dinner tables.

But one day, the managers at one of the biggest plants made a shocking discovery. Some of the naughty boys working on the chicken assembly line were "having their way" with the poultry. Apparently the workers believed that since the chickens were going to die ANYWAY, and be all cut up, nobody would ever notice!

And so, for a time, many a foul fowl was being processed alongside pure, virgin birds.

But thankfully the shame was exposed and the workers who'd been enjoying their chickens uncooked were arrested. There was only one problem: neither the quaint town of Gainesville nor the bubba-headed state of Georgia had any laws under which the miscreants could be convicted for this crime against nature. They could only get them on misdemeanors involving health ordinances.

So, in their infinite wisdom, the same political system that brought you Newt Gingrich and Joe Barr, enacted new legislation to make sure that the next time some bubbas decided to go chicken-fuckin' on an assembly line, they could charge them with that crime. Explicitly.

And that is how the state of Georgia came to have a law against doing the deed with cluckers who eat seed.

Moral of the story: remember, boys and girls. You aren't just what you eat. Without anti-chicken-fucking laws, you could be what other people ejaculate into what you eat.


Tuesday, January 27, 2004

The day has arrived...D'Leon has left the country to fight Contra insurgents in his homeland of Venezuela. A mighty power vacuum engulfed SSP this morning as D checked out on leave. Who would be there to fill that void? I'll give you three options:
1) Sgt Cody "Great leaders must constantly remind subordinates who is in charge" Rogers
2) Sgt James "The Crazy Laotian" Mattox
3) Sgt Nick "Cliche'd nickname #8" Lawson
Now anyone with half a brain would be able to figure out who it is, but I'll spell it out for you Winter...Lawdogs is once again running the show. I realize that D'Leon will be back, but don't think for a second Lawdogs will weakly hi-five Platoon Power over. He is in his rightful position, one which was cowardly stolen from him while he was performing duties becoming of such a leader.
However, the simple matter of fact is this...Right now Systems is in the back seat of platoon leadership but we will be backseat driving and the platoon will steer in the direction of our liking. Or else will just keep making snide remarks.
While D'Leon was catching his red-eye to Bogota before he proceeded to Venezuela he was informed of Lawdogs takeover and had this to say:
"You thought that I was a pushover, and that you could get away with replacing me. And you will, for a little while. But remember, you will soon reap the bitter harvest that underestimating Sgt. D'Leon's sows! YAAAAAAWWWWWHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Monday, January 26, 2004

In a shocking twist of events, SSP's own wizard behind the curtain, Big Thomas himself, has decided to quietly exit the Marine Corps. Although he still stands by his stance of "Civilians are nasty" (thank Kalinosky for that stance) he has led a long and fruitful career and feels that his organizational skills and ability to lead will do wonders in the real world.
However, Big Tom's decision to leave D'Leon's beloved Corps is not the big story here. In a strange and bizarre tradition, on the day of his EAS, Big Tom will hand his wife's hand over to Big Twink. That's right - Big Twink's getting hitched and he will soon have a step-son who is older the he is. Big Tom spent many hours on his roof this weekend debating who would inherit his bride. After finding out Big Twink is a huge John Kerry supporter and he now owns a Crock Pot, Tom decided that the man from Tennessee would make a great husband.

Thursday, January 22, 2004


As we all know the CGRI will kick off today. Well at least the main events. As much as a pain in the ass as its been. I'm actually looking forward to all the humor this could possibly create. For example the PFT. If you look at the roster the names that were submitted are not to impressive. We got almost every over weight Marine on the damm list. That makes for sure comedy. All I know is I got 50 bucks on Tuel over Ellison today on the PFT. Do I got any takers. Now moving up to our next event drill. As we all know we don't do much drill here in Intel Bn and maybe a few days of practice might be the trick. But some of my sources in the actual drill team say they have very low expectations for the battalions performance today. Then throw in some knew guys who just checked in and have yet to practice with everyone else. It sounds like it could be a total disaster. How about our focus groups yesterday. What a fucking joke. We all know nothing will ever get done. Some of the enlisted folk informed me that there was a shit load of dime dropping going on in their focus group. Well lets see how it all unfolds I guess I just can't wait till its fucking over.

McKinney for Barracks Manager

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

The G-Men

When people think of G-Men they usually think of the 4-12 New York Giants. But this has nothing to with the Giants. The G-Men stands for nothing more than a sarcastic name for the dynamic duo we all know as Griffin and Graves. You might be asking yourself what do Griffin and Graves have in common to be considered a duo. Well besides the obvious fact that their names start with a G. Well where do I start. Griffin and Graves both entered boot camp on the same day and were bunk mates in boot camp as well. It doesn’t stop there. They soon met once again for MCT. Where they were bunk mates. Are you seeing some kind of trend here? Soon after MCT the G-Men were both headed off to 29 Palms where they would once again be roommates and share the same MOS. After about a year of vigorous training The G-Men once again hit the road for the 115.Yes they both had orders for the exact same duty station and would be working side by side once again. What are the odds that this could happen? Probably slim to none. As Ellison said it best AKA (Big Twink), “It’s about as possible as me buying some new skivvies drawers”. Well shall I continue? As many may know Graves is currently pending an admin separation. It also turns out that Griffin is now also pending an admin separation. I’m not going to get into why they are being admin seped. I’ll let you draw your own conclusion on that. Where will life’s journeys take The G-Men next, no one knows. But they have definitely made an impact on many peoples life. They could have even possibly changed the course of history. All I know is that this shit is pretty fucking wacked out if you ask me. I’m gonna go get drunk now.

There’s magic in the air. The word “inspection” is passed from person to person with the enthusiasm of Christmas Eve. The General is coming. Now is the time to amend broken ways. Now is the time to iron shirts and deplete bank accounts…in the name of a man that couldn’t care less. Who will lead us to perfection? Who will shine SSP till its polished gleam reflects the General’s face in perfect detail? The answer is wrapped in a mystery, sheathed in enigma, and somewhat portly.
You see him every day. He greets you with a smile, and a red face…not unlike a little Dutch boy full of sweets. You hear his voice during formations, declaring “I’ve got it.’ Or ‘SSP is up.” This is no coincidence my fellow pawns. We are all cogs in the machine…whirling gears in the device that will fuel his comeback. You are being used pawns…and you remain silent.

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