Contact MeEMAIL: SANCHEZ@SANCHEZREPORT.COM
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*New* SR Page2
GMail For The Troops
Life In Iraq
FUCK YOUR COUCH
Josh Ellison Rocks
ESPN Page 2
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WHERE ALL RANK IS LOST
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the shop
Not a Marine was stirring, and Money Mike was about;
The crack pipes were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Money Mike soon would be there;
The Doofy was nestled all snug on his desk,
While visions of dildos danced in his head;
And JD in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a short power nap,
When out on the lot there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Tore open the hatch and hid my stash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects on the flo,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a jalopy car, and some Wisconsin bitch,
With Tweak as the driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment such man did exist.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Ellison! now, Graves! now, Griffin and Saeger!
On, Oxley! On Erwin ! on, Hatten and Joiner!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the car full x , and Bitch ass Mike too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little troop.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Money Mike came with a bound.
He was dressed in Fubu, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with weed ashes and soot;
A G-Unit spinna hung from his neck,
And he looked like a baller just opening a five sack.
His eyes –were blood shot! He looked like a fairy
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His troll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the ceaser cut hair was all but scary;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly chump,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the pipes; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And sucking up some blow, up the chimney he rose; high as a kite
He sprang to his whip, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him holler, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!"
Merry Christmas to all from The Sanchez Report
Monday, December 22, 2003
Black Tony On The Streets
Michael Jackson's Chimp Attempts Suicide:
Hey its me black Tony with the latest shit on da skreet
ya mean. Alright check this shit out dawg.
Feeling despondent over the latest sexual misconduct
allegations against pop star Michael Jackson, Jackson's long-time chimpanzee
companion Bubbles attempted to take his own life on Saturday.
Bubbles was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital after being discovered unconscious
on the Spinning Tea Cup Ride at Neverland, Jackson's California estate. Doctors
listed his condition as stable. It appears that Bubbles tried to end his life by
riding the nausea-inducing amusement park ride again and again until he vomited
himself to a near-death level of dehydration.
"I thought I was Michael's special little boy," signed Bubbles at a bedside news
conference this morning. "One indiscretion, I can overlook. But this is too much
for even the most submissive ape to put up with."
Michael Jackson was unavailable for comment. Michael's brother Tito, however,
was present at the hospital news conference. Through a sign language interpreter
Tito offered to let Bubbles recuperate at his home. Bubbles responded with a
universally understood sign, the raised middle finger.
That shit was dope. Alright now that I got your
attention does anybody know where I can get some kick on spinnaas foe my Neon.
Shits gonna be tight son. Black Tony Out foe show.
DOES BEING GAY RUN IN THE FAMILY
This is an excellent question, one scientists have been debating for a while.
Fortunately, we do have a definitive answer to that question.
There is some controversy around even attempting to find out the answer. Some
people maintain that if a “gay gene” is discovered, it will make a strong case
against discrimination, and convince people once and for all that being
attracted to the same sex is not a choice. However, many in the gay community
say that it shouldn’t matter why someone is gay – everyone should be treated
equally no matter who they choose to have sex with. Regardless, recent studies
and test prove that being gay does run in the family. For example lets say your
uncle Mike likes the cock. Then it is most likely that so will you to. In 8 out
of 10 studies this proved true. In most cases men were married and hiding their
sexuality. They also exhibited signs of spousal abuse which includes verbal
abuse of women. I just wanted to give everybody a heads up before they go
home for the holidays and see there gay relatives.
It would be difficult for us to summarize all the research into this area, so we
suggest you do your own internet research.
Friday, December 19, 2003
Seems I might have started something with my little Sanchez Report. I got wind of another website by the name of The Daily Haggard (http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/dailyhaggard/index.html) which follows pretty much the same principles and concept as the Sanchez Report. So I would like for my readers to check it out give it a shot. Now it a little more high tech than the SR but that's because I'm still developing a web server of my own which will stand up to all the network security threats out there. My current forum won't allow me to post links so just type it in lazy jerks.
That Van At The Barracks With The Gay Pink Stripes
For such a long time now that van with the gay pink stripes has been nothing more than an eye sore. I almost feel pity for the gay van. For months it has been parked there with no action. Except for the usual couple who can't afford a hotel room to sneak off to. The gay van will soon ride again according to its owner Sgt Rogers. He predicts that the van will in fact be born again on the 25th. To coincide with the birth of Christ. Sgt Rogers says, "It will be my gift to all the chicks out there who will soon feel the pleasure of my ride if you know what I mean." Wow what a gift. I'm sure there will be more to this story in the days to come so stay tuned to the Sanchez Report.
1/3 Green Creme de Menthe
1/3 Peppermint schnapps
Taste like a candycane layer these in the order listed to get a red green and white(clear) shot
The Drunken Elf
1 1/2 oz Green Creme de Menthe
1 1/2 oz Cinnamon schnapps
1 oz Cream
2 cups Ice
10 pieces Candy (cinnamon)
Thoroughly blend all ingredients in an electric blender and serve in a frosted glass.
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
1 1/4 oz Light rum
1 1/2 oz Lemon juice
1/2 oz Grenadine
Fill with Cranberry juice
1 wedge Lemon
Mix the light rum, lemon juice, and grenadine. Add the ice cubes and fill to your own taste with Cranberry juice. Add a wedge of lemon on your glass and voila! Enjoy!
The man that we all know as Gunny Fritter is taking it to the streets. He was recently
hired at the JPD and is assigned to the fast react S.W.A.T. team. He now has signed
on to be the base safety representative. For its Every Marine Counts Campaign.
You might have noticed the huge posters of a Marine drill instructor pointing at you and saying
"Put your seat belt I'm watching you". Well after I looked into the ridiculous posters origin.
The Marine drill instructor is in fact Gunny Fritter. Base Safety said, "Tools all over base love
the posters and to expect many more to come."
The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly:
If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
Always drink from the bottle labeled "XXX." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.
Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.
Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.
If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.
Never drink with Sean Adamic.
While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.
Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.
Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.
Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.
Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.
If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.
Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.
efore heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.
Cpl Max Delarosa
MCB Camp Lejeune
4th Marine Expoditionary Brigade's annual Christmas Party is being hosted by the "Elderly African American Ladies Union" this year. The EAALU"s decision to host 4th MEB's party was brought about after news of a 10 percent annual raise to be initiated starting at the January 15th pay day...........
Thursday, December 18, 2003
THE BEST OF THE SANCHEZ REPORT:
Cabin Fever Retreat:
Attention all I hope nobody has made any plans for December 5th.
Several elements of SSP are packing their bags and heading for the
woods. The latest info for this trip is as follows.
-Men with plenty of Testosterone
-The more men the better
-Cabin rates are $200 per day
-Which will be split between all attendees
-Minimal room for baggage
-Bring Vaseline and CLP (economy size)
People signed up for trip
LCpl Ellison (figures)
Sgt Rogers (Ring Leader)
Cpl Downing (Plenty of Experience)
LCpl Kennel (Virgin)
-Hot Tub (for all the love making, I know you all have seen The Real World)
-1 king size bed
-No TV won't be needing that)
-Dark Woods (for you and that special loved one to sneak off to and do your
-Swinger Lounge (equipped with shag carpet)
Once again every man is invited this gonna be one big gay vacation you won't
want to miss.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
- In a schocking twist of events, Matt Kalinosky was spotted today dancing the Charleston outside of Radio Battalion. The Charleston, a dance made popular by socialites and flappers of 1920 speakeasies, had not been danced by Mr. Kalinosky in over four years, when he was preforming with a cabaret theatre act in Norfolk, VA.
Mr. Kalinosky's de-evolution is apparently a continuing action. His late 80's/early 90's hip-hop persona had worn a little thin in recent weeks. Although he flirted with an early 80's "The Lost Boys" persona and a 70's era arena-rocker, he decided to take it to the next level and imitate action last taken three generations ago.
Darryl Neill repeatedly mocked Mr. Kalinosky's attempts to bring back culture of 80 years ago but he was rebuffed by Matt.
"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had," he said, quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby," a defining book on 1920's culture.
Jason DeShane to Publish Magazine
-Jason DeShane has released plans to publish the monthly magazine "Mens and Guns." He has decided to bring his two biggest pashions together into one joint venture. "Mens and Guns" will be released on Jan 5th and will be released on the first Monday of every month to follow. The magazine will feature pictures of muscular men holding the latest and greatest firearms. Also, interviews with predominatly left-wing leaders will be published, as will tips on fixing up trucks. more to follow...
Friday, December 12, 2003
Radio vs. JSTARS
It can't get any better than this. As Cpl Neill said it best, "I would
liken their conflict to something of sibling rivalry. I compare JSTARS to the
favored eldest son in a dysfunctional family, flashing their smiles and getting
away with everything. Radio is more the retarded half-brother, forever fighting
for recognition in a place where they don't belong." One might ask
themselves why would two sections of civilized individuals resort to such
barbaric and insidious actions of sabotage as these. I'll tell you why. As the
Sanchez Report does best we've gotten to the root of this conflict. Sources in
the SSP underground revealed to me that the motive behind radios actions is to
undermine the leadership position of Sgt D'leon. They are eager to over throw
him and implement Marshal Law on the remaining platoon. With such a devious plot
you would think they would have crossed their T's and dotted their I's. Radio unanimously
voted Sgt Mattox to be the SSP Supreme Chief and Sgt Burt will be the treasurer.
Sgt Burt will over see the creation of the new currency. Just think about it
Radio has infiltrated the SNCOIC billet the next logical step in over taking the
platoon would be Asst. platoon Sgt. Since the platoon Sgt. really has no role in
this platoon. I know this sounds really scary but its all true. I wouldn't want
any of these guys in charge. Just remember you heard it here first.
Sgt Rogers Strikes Again
It is confirmed Sgt Rogers will be going out with Sgt Gatlin tonight.
For a night of ambiance and entertainment. Everyone wish him luck.
What is Metrosexual:
(met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense
who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.
At dinner the other night, my date listed the calorie count of the main
entrees, raising an eyebrow at my chicken Alfredo selection after he had ordered
a salad. I saw him check his reflection in the silver water pitcher three times.
During dessert, he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he thought what we
have together is very special. It was our third date.
It was then that I realized why my dating life has been as mysterious as the
Bermuda Triangle since I arrived in Washington. This city, unlike any other
place I've lived, is a haven for the metrosexual. A metrosexual,
in case you didn't catch any of several newspaper articles about this developing
phenomenon (or the recent "South Park" episode on Comedy Central), is
a straight man who styles his hair using three different products (and actually
calls them "products"), loves clothes and the very act of shopping for
them, and describes himself as sensitive and romantic. In other words, he is a
man who seems stereotypically gay except when it comes to sexual orientation.
-Alexa Hackbarth, "Vanity, Thy Name Is Metrosexual," The
Washington Post, November 17, 2003
A metrosexual is a clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a
narcissist. Like soccer star David Beckham, who has been known to paint his
fingernails, the metrosexual is not afraid to embrace his feminine side.
Why "metrosexual"? The metro- (city) prefix indicated
this man's purely urban lifestyle, while the -sexual suffix comes from
"homosexual," meaning that this man, although he is usually straight,
embodies the heightened aesthetic sense often associated with certain types of
Mark Simpson invented this term in 1994 (see the earliest citation, below),
and it drifted slowly from one media source to another throughout the rest of
1990s and early 2000s. Then Simpson wrote another article about metrosexuals
in the online magazine Salon.com on July 22, 2002, and the term took off. Since
then it has been picked up by thousands of media outlets, has made numerous TV
appearances, has spawned at least a couple of books, and has been dropped in
untold numbers of cocktail party conversations. There is no escaping the metrosexual.
The second example citation gives Simpson's succinct description of the
metrosexual type from his Salon.com article.
Example Citation #2:
The typical metrosexual is a young man with money to spend, living in
or within easy reach of a metropolis - because that's where all the best shops,
clubs, gyms and hairdressers are. He might be officially gay, straight or
bisexual, but this is utterly immaterial because he has clearly taken himself as
his own love object and pleasure as his sexual preference. Particular
professions, such as modeling, waiting tables, media, pop music and, nowadays,
sport, seem to attract them but, truth be told, like male vanity products and
herpes, they're pretty much everywhere.
-Mark Simpson, "Meet the metrosexual," Salon.com, July
The promotion of metrosexuality was left to the men's style press,
magazines such as The Face, GQ, Esquire, Arena and FHM, the new media which took
off in the Eighties and is still growing (GQ gains 10,000 new readers every
month). They filled their magazines with images of narcissistic young men
sporting fashionable clothes and accessories. And they persuaded other young men
to study them with a mixture of envy and desire.
Some people said unkind things. American GQ, for example, was popularly
dubbed ''Gay Quarterly''. Little wonder that all these magazines - with the
possible exception of The Face - address their metrosexual readership as
if none of them were homosexual or even bisexual.
-Mark Simpson, "Here come the mirror men," The Independent,
November 15, 1994
Thursday, December 11, 2003
THE SANCHEZ REPORT REVIEW
Get Your Hands Off My Woman
Growing On Me
I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Love Is Only a Feeling
Stuck in a Rut
Love on the Rocks With No Ice
Holding My Own
HOLIDAY DRINKS: BY EL Digity
Drunk on Christmas--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 oz Midori melon liqueur
2 oz Irish whiskey (Tullamore Dew)
1 oz Apple schnapps
4 oz Sweet and sour
Mix and shake Irish whiskey, Midori, and Apple Schnapps with ice. Fill whiskey sour glass with ice. Strain mixture over ice in glass. Fill with sweet and sour. Garnish with several free floating Maraschino cherries
The color of 'Drunk on Christmas' makes the title. The drink itself is sweet, light, and powerful! A great holiday whiskey drink for those who can get plowed without embarassing themselves.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
MTU turned Inside out: By: Cpl Fritz
Now that my time with MTU is over, I will let you all know the truth behind what it takes to train every Marine to be a rifleman. I was sent to MTU by The Sanchez Report as an inside source. Unfortunately, my cover was compromised and I was released this morning. I will not say how my true identity was revealed, but HP-24 was not a pretty place this morning.
I am a journalist and I will not reveal my sources.
My complete expose will not be ready for awhile, but I will give you this piece of information:
Whenever an order is given at MTU, there is a specific command that must be used. For example, if a Corporal told a Lance Corporal to take the trash out it would sound like this:
"Hey Marine, You need to take the trash out...you may take the trash out when your target appears...TARGETS!"
That’s right readers; nobody in MTU is allowed to do anything until someone else yells "TARGETS!"
You heard it here first....more to follow.
Filed By JOE SANCHEZ
Reports are moved when circumstances warrant
Not for reproduction without permission of the author Filed By Sanchez
Reports are moved when circumstances warrant